Ep 25. Why is my queer relationship mirroring hetero dynamics? with Kristen Crowe (they/she)
This week host Renae Johnson (they/them) and Open Space Therapy Collective therapist Kristen Crowe (they/she) explore why your queer relationship can end up behaving in heteronormative ways.
In this episode we answer:
Why do I feel like I’m stuck in a toxic hetero relationship model I can’t break out of?
But to reel it back, what are the problems with hetero relationships?
I love my partner, but I can’t get them to see that I want more than just a role-play of a white picket fence and a house relationship. They’re so cottage core. How can I get them to break free?
My partner is older and they seem to want me to play a certain role and I just want more than that hetero model. But there’s no “model” if you’re queer, just stereotypes.
I broke up with my last partner because we fought so much. But now the same thing is happening with my new partner. Am I the problem?
Join us as we dive into the complexities of these relationship experiences and find ways to step out of the heteronormative dynamics and create the queer relationship you are longing for.
In the diverse tapestry of relationships, queer couples often navigate through a multitude of dynamics, challenges, and joys. However, sometimes, despite being part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum, queer relationships might mirror certain aspects of heteronormative dynamics. Exploring why this occurs and how it affects queer relationships sheds light on the complexity of societal influences, personal experiences, and individual identities within these partnerships.
The replication of heteronormative dynamics in queer relationships can stem from various factors, one being the influence of societal norms.
Society often perpetuates certain relationship standards, roles, and expectations, framing them as the norm. This societal conditioning can inadvertently influence individuals within queer relationships to adopt or replicate these dynamics, sometimes subconsciously, without even realizing it.
Moreover, limited representation and lack of diverse narratives within the LGBTQ+ community in media, literature, or societal discourse can lead to internalizing heteronormative relationship patterns. For instance, notions of monogamy, gender roles, or power dynamics might unconsciously seep into queer relationships due to their pervasive presence in mainstream culture.
Additionally, the pressures of fitting into societal molds or gaining validation might prompt some queer couples to conform to heteronormative relationship ideals. This desire to be seen as "normal" or to receive societal approval can inadvertently lead to adopting dynamics that mirror conventional heterosexual relationships.
Personal experiences and upbringing also play a significant role.
Many queer individuals were raised within heteronormative frameworks, absorbing societal norms and relationship models from their family, peers, or cultural surroundings. Even after embracing their queer identity, these learned behaviors might persist, influencing how they navigate their relationships.
However, it's important to note that the mirroring of heteronormative dynamics in queer relationships isn't inherently negative. Relationships are incredibly diverse, and what works for one couple might not work for another. The key lies in acknowledging and consciously navigating these dynamics, ensuring that they align with the values and identities of those involved.
Furthermore, this mirroring doesn't invalidate the authenticity or validity of queer relationships. Rather, it emphasizes the complexity of navigating relationships within the context of societal norms, personal experiences, and evolving identities. Queer relationships have the potential to challenge, redefine, and create new relationship dynamics that transcend heteronormative ideals.
For couples finding themselves mirroring hetero dynamics in their queer relationship, self-reflection and open communication are essential. It's crucial to examine the dynamics at play, discussing each other's expectations, needs, and values within the relationship. This allows for a deeper understanding of why certain dynamics exist and opens the door to consciously reshaping the relationship dynamics to better reflect their identities and desires.
Embracing diversity within queer relationships is vital.
There's no one-size-fits-all approach, and every relationship is unique. Celebrating and affirming the multitude of ways queer relationships can exist, whether they mirror heteronormative dynamics or not, is essential for fostering inclusivity and acceptance within the LGBTQ+ community.
Seeking support from affirming therapists or LGBTQ+ support groups can provide valuable guidance and tools to navigate and reshape relationship dynamics. These resources offer a safe space to explore and address dynamics that might be influenced by heteronormative ideals, empowering couples to create relationships that align authentically with their identities and values.
In summary, the mirroring of heteronormative dynamics within queer relationships often arises from societal influences, personal experiences, and the desire for validation. While these dynamics may exist, they don't diminish the authenticity or value of queer relationships. Embracing diversity within relationships, engaging in open communication, and seeking support can empower couples to consciously navigate and reshape relationship dynamics that align authentically with their identities and values.
Therapist Bio:
Kristen Crowe (she/they) is Licensed Therapist, Dance Therapist, and Clinical Supervisor with Open Space Therapy Collective. Kristen specializes in working somatically with adults, couples, and people in ENM relationships to help heal the mind-body connection so you can feel more grounded and vibrant every day.
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